


Par(ad)is(e) PD

by anna_chronistic



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables (TV 2018), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Schönberg/Boublil, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen, Paradise PD - Freeform, Post-Seine, Quarantine, This Is STUPID, Twitter, i don't know how to end these things, i like the show paradise pd and you're gonna hear about it, no betas we die like men, uncalled for references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:28:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24224353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anna_chronistic/pseuds/anna_chronistic
Summary: Temporarily unable to work as a police officer, Javert is put in charge of the department's twitter account.
Relationships: Javert & Jean Valjean, Javert/Jean Valjean
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	Par(ad)is(e) PD

**12 March, 2020**

As a new and highly mysterious coronavirus disease was starting to spread across Europe, many social gatherings, schools, and events were getting cancelled to delay its spread. France was soon to enter a lockdown period where all citizens except for essential workers were to stay at home as much as possible.

Valjean and Javert were keeping up with the news closely.

"I just got an email that Cosette's college cancelled in-person classes," said Valjean.

"Kids her age do pretty much everything on the internet. I think they'll be fine," said Javert.

"Yeah, you're right. I'm 65 and already retired, so not much will change for me either." Valjean showed Javert [a meme](https://cheezburger.com/9456657152/whoops) on his phone.

"As a cop, I'm an essential worker, so not much is going to change for me either," said Javert.

"Hmm, I don't know about that," Valjean said. "With fewer people on the streets, I think the police department would be okay with having fewer cops on the force."

"Are you suggesting that police forces can actually operate at half capacity or something like that?" Javert scoffed.

"I don't know, probably. It's not that I _want_ you to be first on the chopping block, but it would be nice if we spent more time together," Valjean smiled.

"Oh, I see what this is about. Do you really want to spend more time with my uninteresting self?" Javert said.

"Heck to the yeah!" Valjean said.

"Well, I'd best get going," said Javert. "I don't want to be late. I'll see you later."

"Good luck, my essential worker man," Valjean said affectionately. "I'd kiss you goodbye but, you know, coronavirus."

**At the police station**

Javert arrived on time, ready to clock in for the day.

"Oh, officer Javert, I'm surprised to see you here," the police chief, Chabouillet, said.

"I'm sorry, what?" Javert said, confused. "I've been here since 1993."

"I've been meaning to tell you this," Chabouillet said, shuffling some papers on his desk. Javert was concerned. Was he in trouble with the chief? "It turns out that your service is no longer needed during this pandemic because you are deemed to be in the 'at risk' group for covid-19."

That was better than being fired, but it still left Javert with questions. "Why is that?" Javert asked.

"Well it says here that you took a month off in 2017 when you were treated for lung scarring caused by double pneumonia."

Javert remembered giving the chief his doctor's note in 2017. He had to explain the health complications that prompted his leave of absence without giving away that it was a result of a suicide attempt by drowning.

"But that was nearly three years ago, monsieur," Javert protested.

"We still can't risk that," said Chabouillet. "We know that this virus attacks the lungs, and we don't want anyone exposed who has had previous lung issues."

"I understand," Javert said, disappointed.

"Remember that this is only temporary, Javert," Chabouillet assured him.

"Roger that," said Javert.

**In the parking lot of the police station**

"Wow, you're headed out early, Javert," said Rivette, who was just now arriving to the station. "Did you take the graveyard shift this time?"

"No, I was furloughed," Javert stated.

"That sucks, man. Of all the cops they'd keep, I'd figure you'd be one of them," Rivette said.

"That's exactly what I thought," said Javert.

"Ah, but there was that one time where you were sick and didn't show up for like a month, so they'd think you'd be at risk knowing what you've been through. Maybe that's the reason."

"Yeah, and now I'm a stay-at-home cop with absolutely nothing to do," Javert said.

"Well, you could run the department's official twitter page from home," Rivette suggested.

"Twitter?" Javert said in a deadpan tone, raising an eyebrow. This dude can't be serious.

"Yeah, I created the twitter account a couple years back and have been managing it ever since. The chief thought it was a great idea."

Managing a twitter page at home seemed pretty lame to Javert. But then again, doing something was better than doing nothing. "I'd be happy to help you with the twitter page," Javert said reluctantly.

"Great! I'll text you the info," said Rivette.

**Back at home**

"You're back early," Valjean said, surprised.

"Turns out you got what you wanted. I'm first on the chopping block," Javert said, sarcastically giving him a thumbs up."What the fuck am I supposed to do? A stay-at-home cop is like a stay-at-home astronaut: it doesn't make any damn sense."

"Oh honey, I didn't mean it like that," said Valjean. "I truly am sorry that you got furloughed."

"Apparently they kicked me out because I had this weird lung thing in 2017," said Javert.

"You weren't kicked out, Javert. And the 'lung thing' you had was actually so dangerous that you underwent surgery to correct it. And back then, you didn't even have some crazy virus. Everyone that cares for you, including me and Cosette, wants you to be safe."

Valjean was right about that. The long period of recovery after Javert's near-drowning really sucked. He remembered coughing up blood and being on oxygen. After seeing that his chest X-rays were not normal, doctors discovered that he had a lung scarring disorder called idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. Fortunately, it was caught in its early phases and a donor was available for a transplant. It turned out that one of the people who was killed in the uprising was an organ donor. The only information that Javert knew about them were their last name and age: Mabeuf, aged 60. All of this because he didn't know how to react to being treated kindly. He had several regrets that he couldn't undo, one of them being the Seine.

"This is my fault," Javert said. "If I hadn't tried to drown myself in 2017, then none of this would have happened."

"Don't beat yourself up. No one could have predicted what had happened then. You may have changed your outlook later in life, but you have still changed for the better," said Valjean

**Later that afternoon**

Javert finally decided to check the messages on his cellphone to see if Rivette had texted him yet. Javert still didn't get what this whole twitter thing was about. If people want to put stuff on the internet, then why wouldn't they just write an article or a blog post? But Rivette, only 4 years Javert's junior, was more well-versed on things concerning social media.

_text from Rivette Jordan at 12:24 pm_  
_username: parispd_  
_password: jenesaispas_  
_have fun._

Because no hacker could _ever_ guess that password, apparently. Javert got on the desktop computer (because he didn't know that twitter had an app) and logged in.

At first, he didn't have any idea what to write. He figured he'd just look at previous posts and copy the gist of what Rivette had wrote, because he knew that he had absolutely no creativity himself. The account consisted mostly of retweets from other cities in France and even other countries, mixed in with a myriad of dog videos. Of course there were some BOLOs and reports of criminal activity in the city. But how was he supposed to know what crimes had occurred if he was no longer working as a police officer?

So he just decided to wing it.

_@parispd:_  
_Due to the covid-19 outbreak, all criminal activity is cancelled until further notice. We appreciate your anticipated participation in halting crime and thank criminals in advance. We will update you when you can return to your normal criminal behavior. #socialdistancingnow #behaveyourself_  
_12/3/2020 12:47 pm_

Javert knew that was not that clever and that his meme making skills were severely lacking. But unfortunately that was the best that he could think of at the moment.

For good measure, Javert retweeted a video of [a dog in Florida driving a car in reverse](https://twitter.com/ABC/status/1197965764915027969) to keep up with the dog video trend.

**Later that night**

Javert realized that the desktop computer was on. Perhaps he forgot to turn it off? The tab on Google Chrome that was visible was a youtube video consisting of a compilation of Family Guy's funniest moments from season 15. Twitter was open in another tab, where it was logged into the @parispd account. The first tweet on the feed was not one of Javert's tweets, but a video. [What looked like the transcript of a 911 call](https://twitter.com/ParadisePD/status/1058388341538865153) was actually an idiotic promo video that was clearly scripted. That shocked Javert, having him worried he would get fired for tweeting it.

Scrolling down further, he saw [a musical number](https://twitter.com/ParadisePD/status/1226983740439658496) starring a morbidly obese man who was trapped in a women's prison.

Even earlier on the feed was a [trailer for a cartoon on netflix](https://twitter.com/ParadisePD/status/1230915086434226176), an insipid show called _Paradise PD_. Javert stopped right there, wishing there was some way that he could unsee that. 

He knew this could have only been from the actions of one person. Exasperated, Javert went to find Valjean.

"Knife hands!?" Javert said. "Are you serious?"

"Funny, huh?" said Valjean.

"Yeah, apparently it's funny enough to tweet on the Paris police department's official page."

"Oh no, I thought I was logged into my twitter account," Valjean cringed.

"Now I'm gonna have to explain this to Rivette," said Javert.

"Oh I'm sure he'll understand. It was my fault anyway. I should have checked to see who was logged in."

"That's alright, Valjean," Javert sighed. "I should have logged out in the the first place."

Javert then went on to text Rivette.

_I deeply apologize for the videos that were posted on the twitter account today. I would also like to clarify that it was my husband who tweeted those videos, not me. But that was just on account of me being irresponsible. If you or anyone else was offended, I completely respect your decision to kick me out of the account._  
_sent at 7:52 pm_

_text from Rivette Jordan at 7:54 pm_  
_That's totally fine man. I saw the tweets and I love Paradise PD. I watched season 1 in 2018. Now that I know there is a second season, I'm totally gonna watch those episodes._

_Be that as it may, please don't tell Chabouillet about this._  
_sent at 7:54 pm_

_Text from Rivette Jordan at 7:55 pm_  
_tooo laaatttte!_  
_He's seen the tweets and thinks it's a brilliant move. Makes us seem cooler, you know? I think you should give the show a watch. You might like it. I think you're kind of similar to[Gina Jabowski](https://paradise-pd.fandom.com/wiki/Gina_Jabowski#Biography) from the show._

"For fuck's sake," Javert muttered to himself.

_Thank you for your time and for understanding the circumstances that lead to this. However I, highly recommend that you change the password to something more cryptic._  
_sent at 7:56 pm_

_Text from Rivette Jordan at 7:56 pm_  
_you're right, lol_

**13 March, 2020**

"I know how much you hate TV, but I think you should give _Paradise PD_ a try," Valjean said to Javert.

"I saw the trailer and it's stupid," Javert protested.

"Cosette introduced me to it cause she's a huge Brickleberry fan," Valjean explained. "The kind of humor in both shows is really cathartic if you're stressed and have a lot on your mind. You kind of remind me of the character Gina Jabowski."

Again with the comparison to one of the show's characters. He'd have to see the show himself to confirm if it was true.

"Fine," he said.

**3 hours later**

Valjean and Javert were on episode 6, at [the scene where Gina goes crazy in an arcade](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc_oTbLtfrA#t=0m13s).

"I am not that hotheaded over people breaking minor rules!" said Javert.

"I beg to differ," said Valjean. "There was that time where I jaywalked across a one-way street, and by the look you gave me, I swear you would have slapped me from across the street if you could," Valjean laughed.

"Yeah, but I never decapitated anyone because they filled a water cup with sprite."

"It's a cartoon," Valjean pointed out.

As they finished the episode, Javert realized that Valjean did kind of have a point. Aside from the wacky cartoon premise, Javert and Gina had similar backstories. They were both raised in a family of criminals and later became cops.

"You know what? If you weren't a cop, Javert, think you'd be a very savvy criminal," Valjean said. "Cause you're tough and smart as heck, so you can do anything you set your mind to."

"Obviously you wouldn't rob a bank wearing a Louis CK mask," Valjean continued. "You could've been my cellmate in Toulon and we could've met that way. You could use your smarts to forge an escape plan that actually worked, and then—"

"Bizarro Javert sounds fucked up," said Javert.

"Yeah totally," said Valjean. "They should make a musical about that."

**Author's Note:**

> "Je ne sais pas" means "I don't know" in French.
> 
> Here's [the episode](https://www.thewatchcartoononline.tv/paradise-pd-episode-6) of Paradise PD that I referenced, lol.


End file.
